Shying at Gigs

My day started in a very exciting way – or at least my heart missed a beat when I checked my in-tray. I thought I’d been booked for a gig at a well known singles club in the metropolis …
“Ladies! Kick-start your love life and find Mr Wright – FREE tickets.”

It reminded me of the countless number of occasions where my name has opened introductory doors both for me and for someone else – ranging from “Is that Right? With an ‘R’ or a ‘W’?” on the one hand to “Ooooh Mr Wright. I’ve been wanting to meet you all my life,” on the other!

Shying Away

Of course back in my bad old “shy” days, both these comments would make me wither inside, make me look down and to the right (just to confirm and kinaesthetically reaffirm that feeling), drop my voice and try to make an unembarrassed response. And that was always try-and-fail.
I never used to get even mildly annoyed about the Right, Rite, Write errors in my name – it was all my fault for having a surname that people could make fun of. AND on top of all that I had a first name that – given my stammer – I struggled to say with any s-s-smoothness. In fact there were certain scenarios where thinking about having to say my name felt worse than the prospect of leaping off a cliff.


Animals are very attuned to energies – and animals that interact a lot with humans are very attuned to the energies of those interactions. If I shout at something or someone on the TV my dog will creep out of the room, probably ‘thinking’ that I’m shouting at him for doing something wrong. He’s picked up the energy that I put into my TV oriented retort and decided to distance himself from it. If I laugh or cry however, he doesn’t lower his tail and slink away, he’ll come towards me and respond in a different way. Horses, too, have a particular relationship with man where man’s energies are interpreted with intelligence.

So what happens when I look at a particular metaphorical animal – my mental horse.
In terms of my shyness, at what point did I manage to make my horse ride at fences instead of shying away from them? Well there is an interesting metaphorical link here between horses, fences, riders’ energies and mental states and horses’ sensitivities and picking up their riders’ energies – like that.

When I began to ride my mental horse with a different energy then the horse moved in a different way. And, even now, if I am approaching a fence that needs to be jumped, my particular energy in that approach is THE most crucial factor in determining how my horse jumps the fence. He’ll pick up my bodily tension from how I’m sat in the saddle, he’ll notice how I’m holding the reins, he’ll hear the tone and other submodalities of my voice, etc.
Now I haven’t regularly stammered for many years and yet, if my energies are aligned just right, I’ll stammer in a quite involuntary way. However, I don’t see this as involuntary – rather it is that my horse has stammered through this particular fence, purely because of the particular balance of my various inner energy levels. My inner energy determines how my horse interprets what he thinks I want him to do.

The Zone

It’s fascinating to watch the riderless horses in the Grand National steeplechase. A lot of them still jump the fences, but in a way of their natural choosing. The jump is free and unfettered by any rider’s energy – the execution is smooth.
Surfers talk about catching the energy of the wave as being an optimal experience. Athletes and sports persons talk about detachment – the game playing them rather than the other way around. Writers, artists and composers talk about the creative force moving through them and being a process they had no conscious control over.

So it could be argued that for optimal performance in any area of our life both significant and trivial, we need to be outside of the conscious – aware and yet unaware. Almost super-conscious.


In the case of my stammering I am over conscious.
I am in a self-conscious loop, I am continually conscious of myself.
And as speech formation is very much an unconscious process, then this self-conscious loop is getting in the way of that.
This may take many forms in terms of the sensual feedback I’m continuously looping.
I may be hearing myself saying what I want to say, in advance of my unconscious speech forming process. I may feel uncomfortable about the person I’m talking to and the overload of incoming kinaesthetic data of that context will be getting in the way of the unconscious speech forming process.

In terms of unconscious processes, too much awareness, attention and response to incoming sensual data is likely to impair and degrade the process.


So let’s say I run with my imagination and it really was a booking for a gig to talk at a singles club about dating! What content might I deliver? Well there’s a number of angles …

There’s the comical and curious historically personal aspect to consider – I was very shy when young, and yet I still had dates, girlfriends etc. How? Were they, like me, of a similar mental configuration? Did they, like me, and look away from Alpha males? Who knows! It was exceedingly random on the face of it.
And maybe it was, in part, about the face of us, or personality, or sensitivity, or personableness, or just something felt at an intuitive level? Which leads to the next aspect …

Now I’ve often poked fun at eHarmony, and the whole concept of going for digitally discovered compatibilites – when the whole thing about attraction at all levels from deepest to shallowest is very much an analogue discovery. But there’s a lot to be said about consorting with like-minded people, or people we have a lot in common with. That mere act of something shared taps us into the lives of people who, in many other ways, we would judge from a distance as exceedingly random, ordinary, unattractive or whatever.
Here’s the thing – the more diverse is your life, the more different contexts of people you have in your circle of connectivity. Signing up to compatibility matching can be very much like house buying – where you’re both at the mercy of the estate agent, and are looking for Perfection. Whereas going to a singles club is much more like adding an App to your circle of connectivity.

At the end of the day these are all contextual examples which may, or may not, be useful for you and present you with more, or less, fertile ground for your dating or relationship-seeking success.

We are all human, however and it is within the broad base of our humanity that lies manifold opportunities for all relationships. Once we, as individuals, take that broad base and view our context within it, then we get the realisation that the answer to all our needs lies within ourselves AND it is an unconscious process.
The thing is, if we pay too much awareness to all the conscious things, then we find ourselves degrading our ability in that unconscious process. Then we start to stammer through that process.


I’ve met a number of people, not necessarily clients, who have said “it would be nice to meet that special Someone,” or “time’s running out in my life and I’d like to meet the right person, maybe start a family… ” I’m sure you’re familiar with comments like that too.
These are genuine felt needs and desires for people with big spaces in their lives that they’d feel more fulfilled when those spaces are no longer present. And, to be fair, the same applies to all our big spaces.
Attracting things – and people – into our lives is mostly about our own ideas about attraction.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is a phrase very closely linked to “Whatever does he or she see in him or her?” Both these phrases come from the school of thinking that pays no attention to the beholder themselves and their own attractivity. However, understanding our own attractivity is crucial.

“What does the mind of the beholder see beautiful about themselves that helps them know what beauty to find and experience in others?”

I have talked to people in the context of change, and have witnessed some amazing physical transformations, from neutral to attractive, from plain to beautiful, purely in the course of the changing the levels of their inner energy over the course of our conversation. Sometimes these dear folk have not been aware of what I’ve noticed, because they’ve not yet felt it at a conscious level – seemingly, it’s not yet arrived for them. Which is why I often like them to knowingly feel what I’ve already seen, before our conversation has finished.

Our bodies have an extraordinary way of acting out our thinking and the general level of inner energy engendered by that thinking.

To meet that special someone, Mr or Miss Right, is not an outer quest – but is rather an inner question. And when you hear the answer from your own lips, notice if there’s a hint of any stammer there – degrading that attractivity!