People will change only IF THEY want to!
One of the enduring features from my previous blog post is that People will only change if they want to and are ready to.
I hear alarm bells and see flags waving whenever I hear “My xxxxx says I should see you because of my yyyyyy,” or “I’d like you to see my xxxxxx because they’ve got these issues and would like help with them.” In each of these examples the ACTUAL person with the issues has not taken responsibility for them and therefore always sees the way they are feeling or acting as being something OUTSIDE of their influence, as if they are a victim, possessed, powerless, leading to an “IT comes over me…” or “these things happen to me” situation.
I was in a social gathering one time and a lady whose boyfriend, having discovered what I do, told her that she should talk to me because I could “fix” her. Almost in an effort to please him (and shut him up) she started to chat with me about her phobia of spiders. It was clear, however, that (a) she had come to terms with the phobia in her own way, (b) was not driven to distraction by her phobia so much that she felt compelled to deal with it.
Clearly at an unconscious level she was tolerant of it and not ready for change.
Smokers who think they want to quit need to first explore areas where they have secondary gain – ie something they experience as a result of smoking that they would lose if they gave it up. This is manifest in a number of ways; personal, social, chemical for example. At an unconscious level they are not ready to give up. (Plus – I always chuckle when I see ads for nicotine patches or gum when they add the proviso “requires will power“.
The ‘depressed’ client from my previous post is clearly not ready for change at an unconscious level, until she ackowledges her anger and takes responsibility for it and her other actions. The only outcome will be that her casefile grows bigger and fatter.
Irrationally, I previously had a tendency towards rage behind the wheel of a car until I took responsibility for my “shadow” (see an earlier blog). Since then I have driven with a mild manner, and an inside-out understanding of the nature of my own thoughts, feelings and actions. Here I noticed a message from my unconscious that allowed me to take conscious responsibility in a proper way.
If someone makes an enquiry for another person, then I always leave it until they speak to me or contact me THEMSELVES. That way at least they have been personally responsible for the enquiry. Referrals are more difficult – although here again, I always ask the referrer to get the person to contact me direct.
Another case I had was where a father asked me to “see” his daughter because she had failed several driving tests and HE thought this was what she needed to help her composure and confidence. When I arrived to see her, she was clearly petrified because she thought I was going to “control her mind”. We just chatted and once she realised I wasn’t Svengali, or was going to make her behave like a chicken, then the session became meaningful and helpful.
In her case, while she herself was ready for change, her father had ‘pushed her’ into seeing me even though she was old enough to make her own choices. Hopefully, her understanding of what she is responsible for and capable of are now much clearer – plus her fear of hypnotherapists is laid to rest! One thing I’m sure of – that she is now a fully qualified driver.